America currently has two major problems:

  1. An uncontrollable COVID-19 epidemic because people refuse to wear masks.
  2. An uncontrollable police force largely due to post-9/11 militarization and falling crime rates.

There’s an obvious solution: tear gas everything. You want to brave Aldi to score some of those delicious crispy almond cookies? Well, I hope you’re planning to bring your N95 and ideally some goggles because the gas seems to be really thick around aisle one today.

Don’t worry, we absolutely believe in your constitutional right to not wear a mask. If you want to hop on board a tear-gas-filled subway car and cough, cry, and sputter as you lick the handholds on your way to buy suspenders, then that is your absolute right as an American.

Bored cops can spend all day tear gassing stores, parks, family reunions, schools, and public libraries. Meanwhile, the American public will be strongly incentivized to mask up thereby reducing SARS-CoV-2 transmission.

Everybody wins!